Solar Return

This morning I woke on my 35th rotation from a poignant dream. This is what it taught me about who and how to forgive.

Hello. Today marks my 35th birthday. The same age my mother was when she brought me into this third dimension.

My mom, Elaine Anne Toften, sometime in high school or college

Instead of a restful night’s sleep, I woke to torrential downpour plagued by prophetic dreams as has become customary. I don’t view them as a hardship, though, and now understand my relationship with the dream realm as a gift. As messages. As guidance, as abstract as it all is.

One dream stood out in particular because it was so on the nose, which is not the norm. I was in a vehicle at night in a wooded suburb, not unlike the Wissahickon Watershed, where I grew up outside of Philadelphia. My mom and both my older brothers were there. We were in a hurry speeding down a curved road in the dim foothills lit only by headlights.

At times I was driving, at times not. The details escape me, but we lost control of the car, and all three of them tragically perished. I felt paralyzed with loss being the only survivor. My father appeared at the scene. My father who left the physical plane over a decade ago but who reveals himself in my dreams from time to time as a mirror.

I had to explain what happened, and that I felt responsible for their deaths. He soothed my anxiety and gave me a hug of support. Less broken than I remember, he said it wasn’t my fault. Only there to be an emotional anchor unlike in “real” life. The irony is that of the five of us, he’s the only one who has transitioned already.

Dreamworld tends not to be literal. I take this to be about drowning in responsibility and forgiveness’s role in breaking the chains of stagnancy and paralysis. At times I’ve sacrificed my wellbeing for others.

It’s my birthday, and I’ve already cried once today thinking about this dream on my walk back from Pagoda to receive my treat. I cry rarely, so it feels like a gift as well. They were tears of release. Of letting go.

Some birthdays are socially expressive, others more solitary and reflective. I don’t mind either model. It’s whatever is needed each year. I’m invested in being and hold many truths. A year ago on my birthday, an old friend breezed through town and handed me a compass. I don’t take that lightly.

I’m having a radically strange time in life. Aren’t we all? Not a qualitative strange. I feel powerful, and my senses are heightened. Loose ends hang frayed at the edges. The end of the year more a mess than it began. There’s divine work to be done.

I was at a plant medicine retreat and writing workshop the first week of November in the mountains of Costa Rica. It was a profound experience. One of the other participants shared a nugget of wisdom one evening. Forgiveness isn’t an action. It’s an emotion. It’s not always about the other person. It’s the release of a burden. Another shared that she had no one left to hate realizing it was a misfocus of energy. So thank you, Shawn and Jae for those downloads.

Today on this 35th rotation I’d like to make a declaration of release. I forgive my father for his distortions of reality. I forgive my mother for staying too long and not pursuing her dreams. I thank them both for the sacrifices they made. I forgive my oldest brother for his estrangement. I forgive my middle brother for his violence which dominated our youth.

I forgive myself for not always having the answer, for being distracted, for ignoring my intuition in pivotal moments, for not always being present, for avoidance and fear of growth. I forgive friends and lovers for past harm, intentional and otherwise. This is an ongoing process. I don’t know everything, but I trust myself enough to know my decisions will lead me where I need to be, and that I don’t need all the information before proceeding. Darkness and pain are revelatory. Surrender to the unknown is a sublime treasure. Happy solar return. ☀️